


wish i were heather

by peachcandykiddo



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Also fighting, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Captain Ennoshita Chikara, Coming Out, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Heather by Conan Gray, Identity Issues, Inspired by Cosplay, Inspired by Music, M/M, Near Future, Second Year Hinata Shouyou, Second Year Kageyama Tobio, Second Year Tsukishima Kei, Second Year Yamaguchi Tadashi, Sexuality Crisis, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, coming to terms with things, compulsive hetersexuality, lots of yelling, suga/omc is only referenced/implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:34:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25177741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachcandykiddo/pseuds/peachcandykiddo
Summary: kei is wildly popular with the girls. tadashi doesn't really understand why, and honestly it was only a matter of time before kei got a girlfriend. even knowing this, it still crushes tadashi when it happens. as it turns out he is not that great at handling his emotions, and things end up really messy for a long while. being in love with your best friend was messy.a.k.a. yamaguchi tadashi is a gay mess and tsukishima kei is confusing
Relationships: Ennoshita Chikara & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Sugawara Koushi & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Sugawara Koushi/Original Male Character(s), Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei/Original Character(s), Tsukishima Kei/Original Female Character(s), Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 11
Kudos: 94





	wish i were heather

polyester was an odd texture. the volleyball club’s jackets were made of polyester. tadashi didn’t really like the texture, so he didn’t own many other than his club one. but for whatever reason kei had a lot. it was probably how he managed to stay so warm in the winter without wearing so many layers like tadashi did.

but it was raining, and tadashi was at kei’s house, with no umbrella or jacket. it was summer, so he didn’t wear his club jacket around everywhere like he did in the cooler months. he would’ve loved to stay the night and kei felt the same, but tadashi’s parents were sticklers for the rules and wanted him home. so trek through the rain tadashi would.

he was pulling on his shoes at the doorway while kei dug through the hall closet before eventually handing tadashi a rain coat.

“i know you don’t really like the texture of these,” kei explained as tadashi pulled the jacket around his shoulders, “but it’s rainy and i don’t want you getting soaked.”

“it’s okay,” tadashi shook his head, thankful kei was offering him a coat at all, “i’ll bring it back to you tomorrow?”

“yea,” kei nodded, and then tadashi was off, running through the rain back to his house.

for forever, kei had been his best friend. every since that one day in elementary school when he scared off the kids who were mean to tadashi, the two had been almost inseparable. however, just because he had kei by his side, didn’t mean tadashi was immune to that sort of bullying. over the years it just became more… refined. less getting shoved to the ground and more anonymous messages and comments called out in the middle of the halls.

kei was the only one who had ever bothered to care enough about tadashi.

and even then, tadashi knew kei could never feel the same way he did. nobody ever did. guys, girls, tadashi was just plain unlikable. of course, peers would plead otherwise, but the proof was in tadashi’s complete lack of any romantic endeavors. even though he was sixteen, almost seventeen, and it felt like everybody his age had a significant other.

these kind of thoughts made tadashi feel stupid. it was stupid to worry about something like this, for it to have such an impact on his life that simply while running home that was where his mind wandered.

there were so many other things to worry about. better things. like school, or volleyball. or getting a job. but for whatever reason tadashi’s mind latched onto how completely, utterly, lonely he was. it was stupid.

the material of his jacket rubbed against itself as tadashi ran, his arms swinging naturally. tadashi hated the sound of it. a gross, shockingly jarring swishing sound. but also — it was kei’s jacket.

_ kei’s jacket. _

for a moment tadashi could almost pretend he had this jacket under different circumstances. the purple garment bestowed upon him as a gift, something to remind him of kei when kei wasn’t there. in a romantic context.

but only for just a moment.

because moments after tadashi would be reminded that kei could never feel that way about him, let alone another guy. if anyone were to turn tsukishima kei gay it certainly wouldn’t be bland, flavorless tadashi.

eventually he made it home, and as he took his shoes off in the doorway tadashi’s dad walked in from the kitchen to greet him, the lonely thoughts quickly banished.

“hey, welcome home kid.”

“hi dad.”

* * *

tadashi knew he shouldn’t have been surprised when kei got a girlfriend, but it still felt like a knife to his chest. kei was surprisingly popular, his dry personality apparently appealing. the fact that he was tall and an athlete helped too. tadashi was there when the girl confessed.

she was pretty, the type of girl tadashi would have liked too.

the letter was neat and cutely decorated, and kei accepted. tadashi was left standing there as the two exchanged phone numbers, and just like that kei had a girlfriend and the only hope tadashi had left was crushed under the neat brown loafers of the girl from class 1-3.

that night, tadashi didn’t go over to kei’s to study like he usually did.

instead he elected to go home and wallow in his feelings. sure, that never ended very well, but sometimes it was just what he needed. 

tadashi just… he just  _ didn’t get it.  _ why kei? because he was tall? played a sport and was good at it? for years before kei’s dry personality and generally rude exterior put people off, made him unlikable, but this year — it caused him to become more popular. and now he had his girlfriend, himiko was her name.

and tadashi was all alone. described by others as sweet, and a joy to be around. how come tadashi was alone and kei wasn’t? he was the dick, not tadashi.

but, kei wasn’t a dick. tadashi knew he was getting irrational. but he couldn’t shake the thoughts, the anger. why kei got to be so lucky. why people liked kei, why kei didn’t like tadashi. because what was there not to like? it hurt.  _ god it hurt so badly. _

and then tadashi’s phone started ringing. the call was from kei. 

and all tadashi could do was throw his phone at the wall, for the moment not even caring if he broke it or the wall.

until his dad called across the hall from his bedroom.

“quit throwing your phone at the wall!”

so maybe that was a bit more of a habit than tadashi would like to admit. he got mad sometimes. it just happened.

* * *

“hey, you didn’t respond to any of my texts last night.”

“yea i fell asleep early last night,” tadashi lied through his teeth, turning his gaze to the ball in his hands to avoid eye contact. he was a terrible liar, really.

“you haven’t fallen asleep early since middle school,” kei joked, but tadashi knew it was less of a joke and more of a callout on tadashi’s lie.

“yea, i guess i was just really tired,” he simply laughed. he couldn’t tell kei the real reason he didn’t respond. especially not in the middle of practice. it was too early for this shit.

“if you say so,” kei mused, not believing tadashi at all. and so they went on with their business. that’s how the entire day went. each class was like any other day, save for the fact that there was this tension in the air.

at least, that was until lunchtime rolled around and himiko sat herself down on kei’s desk. tadashi’s spot.

and kei smiled, happy to see her.

“y’know, i’ve gotta go find hinata-san and kageyama-kun,” tadashi lied through his teeth again. he hoped this didn’t become a habit, he didn’t like lying, “they said they needed help with english and i said i’d be happy to.”

“surprised they didn’t ask me too,” kei scoffed, “those two usually like to leech off of both of us.”

“they’re not leeching,” tadashi sighed as he forced a smile, “anyways, i should get going.”

“want me to come with?” kei offered, but tadashi knew there was no way he could accept. kageyama and hinata had never actually asked for help with english. tadashi just needed to get away. if they showed up in the freak duo’s classroom at lunch tadashi would be instantly exposed.

“no, it’s all good,” tadashi shook his head, standing up and slinging his backpack over his shoulder, “i’ll see you after lunch.”

“see ya,” kei waved simply, and before tadashi’s back was even turned kei was happily chatting with himiko. he didn’t happily chat with anybody. hardly even happily chatted with tadashi.

for a few moments tadashi considered going to hang out with hinata and kageyama. their energy was refreshing, especially when he felt down like this. but as soon as his vision started to blur with tears tadashi knew that he couldn’t face anyone, let alone his friends, so he made a beeline for the bathrooms. 

hoping they were empty — but ultimately not caring — tadashi ducked into the men’s room, thankful to find that nobody had taken that moment to use the bathroom. he didn’t really mind if anyone heard him, as long as he didn’t show his face. anyone who would happen to walk in would only hear  _ somebody  _ crying, not tadashi.

and as soon as that stall door was shut tadashi let loose. finally stopped holding his breath, and let out a shaky wheeze as the tears spilled down his face.

_ why was he never good enough? _

everything kei disliked about tadashi — he seemed to love about himiko.

he met her chattering with a smile instead of a “shut up yamaguchi”. she clung to him and he clung back instead of shoving her away. 

he didn’t get it. 

why was it so different with her? she was just a girl. hell, there was hardly even a difference between tadashi and a girl. his hair was long, his frame slight, he wasn’t exactly the most masculine guy ever. 

tadashi didn’t realize just how much his chest was heaving and how loud his sniffling was until somebody called out. 

“hey dude are you alright?”

_ fuck. that wasn’t just somebody.  _

“i’m alright,” tadashi mumbled as he wiped the snot off of his face with a wad of toilet paper, forcing his voice just a bit lower in hopes he wouldn’t be recognized. 

“yamaguchi?” he watched as kei’s sneakers stepped closer to the stall door. so much for remaining unrecognized, “is that you?”

tadashi just remained silent, holding his breath and hoping kei would just leave. 

“yamaguchi, i know those are your shoes.”

quickly he pulled his knees to his chest. 

“don’t make me crawl under this stall door,” kei deadpanned, and tadashi heard him lean against it. 

“how do you know i’m not just taking a massive shit?” tadashi half-joked, trying to get kei out of the bathroom and out of his space. 

“are you?” 

tadashi could hear the eyebrow raised in kei’s voice. 

“i am not.”

“do you want to talk about it?” kei asked from the other side of the door, ceasing his efforts at getting to tadashi. 

“no,” tadashi shook his head. he couldn’t talk about it. if kei knew he might never want to speak to him again. at the very least he wouldn’t be able to reciprocate. he had a girlfriend after all, even if he was maybe bisexual. even that was just a baseless hope. 

“do you want me to stay here?”

“yea,” tadashi simply nodded. if he didn’t have to talk about it kei being there was nice. until he thought about how close they were to what tadashi longed for — but how far. 

that was when he broke down again. shoulders shaking with every breath, tears dripping down his face and mixing with the snot that dropped from his nostrils. it was kind of disgusting. 

“you do have pants on right?”

“yes tsukki,” tadashi wheezed out half of a laugh, “i have pants on.”

“okay,” kei hummed, and then he was wiggling under the door to tadashi’s stall. his little slice of aloneness now not so alone, “god this floor is nasty, i can’t believe you make me do this shit.”

“i didn’t ask you to come in,” tadashi sniffled, turning away from kei in an attempt to hide his face. 

“what’s going on?” kei questioned as he sat down in front of tadashi, “i know you said you don’t wanna talk so i don’t need specifics but like, you obviously need to get something out.”

“tsukki, when did you get so smart?” tadashi forced a smile, “it feels like just yesterday you were freaking out whenever i cried.”

“spend enough time with a crybaby and you figure out what to say pretty quick,” tadashi knew kei was only joking, and he meant nothing by his comment. obviously he cared, otherwise he wouldn’t have crawled on the bathroom floor to be there for tadashi, but right now logic was not winning a space in tadashi’s brain. 

“i’m just doing really bad today,” tadashi mumbled, figuring that was enough of the truth. and it did feel  _ really good  _ to at least say something. even if it wasn’t all of it.

“why did you lie to me?” kei questioned, a hint of hurt in his voice. that just made tadashi feel bad all over again. he always told kei everything — until now.

“you were hanging out with himiko-san,” tadashi spit out another half truth, blowing his nose, “i didn’t want to be a bother.”

“yamaguchi,” kei sighed gently, “you’re my best friend, okay? just because i have a girlfriend now doesn’t mean i don’t have time for you.”

best friend. 

hearing that felt so good, but at the same time it felt like kei had ripped tadashi’s heart from his chest and stepped on it. because he was the most important person in kei’s life — at least in one category — but it was so wrong. he didn’t want to be kei’s best friend. he wanted more.

“yea, okay.”

“do you want a hug?”

“you know me so well,” tadashi’s shoulders shook with the ghost of a chuckle as he stood up and allowed himself to be pulled into kei’s arms, “you really have gotten good at this.”

“you give me plenty of chances to practice,” kei joked as his hands found their place on the small of tadashi’s back, an oddly intimate placement and for a moment tadashi could almost imagine a different context.

_ god he really had to stop doing that, it didn’t make anything better. _

* * *

kei having a girlfriend was one thing.

kei talking about his girlfriend was another.

but the volleyball team talking about kei’s girlfriend? that was a completely new ball game. 

“so tsukki, is she cute?” tanaka threw an arm around kei’s after practice the day he found out. kei was trying to keep it lowkey to avoid this kind of thing, but it was only a matter of time.

“step off tanaka, she’s my girlfriend, you have your own,” kei simply shrugged his arm off, and tadashi felt his breath hitch in his throat at kei’s level of possessiveness. the logical part of him knew that nobody noticed — but it felt like everybody on the team could see right through tadashi’s facade.

nobody even knew he liked guys except for sugawara — and he graduated the previous year. so it made no sense for anybody to notice. but it felt like everybody was staring.

in reality, all attention was on kei, but reality felt so far away right now.

tadashi felt like an outsider just watching all this happen.

“aw come on tsukshima-chan, we’re not trying to steal your girl,” nishinoya elbowed past yamaguchi for spot on kei’s other side.

“ew, gross,” kei visibly cringed at the way nishinoya addressed him, shrinking away from the upperclassmen who bothered him, “never call me that again.”

“fine,” tanaka and nishinoya whined, almost in sync.

“at least tell us her name?” tanaka pleaded, putting on an innocent face as he looked up at tsukishima.

“it’s ko-chan,” kei gave up the name reluctantly, a nickname tadashi hadn’t heard him use before. he wished he had a nickname like that. someone to call him dumb pet names.

“hey, yamaguchi!”

at least somebody’s attention was on tadashi, because ennoshita’s voice called out from back in the gym, “come serve to me why don’t you, i need practice on my receives.”

tadashi glanced over to kei, who simply nodded, “i’m meeting ko-chan for dinner, so don’t worry about me.”

that comment really didn’t help, but tadashi nodded and retreated back to the gym where ennoshita waited. for a little while, things were quiet aside from the sound of sneakers on the gym floor and tadashi’s serves hitting the ground.

“so next year,” the captain was the first to break the silence as he stretched between serves, “you’re our top candidate for captain.”

tadashi fumbled the volleyball he was grabbing from the bin at ennoshita’s words, “what?”

he honestly couldn’t believe it, “the other second years are much better than me though—”

“it’s not about skill yamaguchi-kun,” ennoshita set himself up for another receive, sinking into a ready stance, “send me another one.”

tadashi complied, hitting the ball to ennoshita’s side of the court with shaky palm. his float serve was getting better, but it was still difficult to aim. especially when nervous like this. he ended up sending it straight into his captain’s forearms instead of making him work for it.

“nice serve,” ennoshita grinned as tadashi caught the ball that came sailing back over the net and readied himself for another one.

“i guess,” tadashi shrugged, spinning the ball in his hands, trying to get a feel for it, “i sent it straight to you though.”

“it was a good serve,” ennoshita sighed, standing up straight and walking towards the center of the court, “you’ve gotta stop putting yourself down like that.”

“oh, i don’t really notice it,” that was one of the first honest statements tadashi made since kei started dating himiko.  _ ko-chan,  _ “it’s a bit of a bad habit i guess.”

“you’re better than you think you are,” tadashi could tell ennoshita was launching into a captainly speech, almost reminiscent of daichi’s legendary motivational spiels, “you hold the team together, as much as you don’t realize it. even if you are more of a background player when it comes to the court, you don’t have to be flashy like kageyama and hinata are. what’s important is that you’re the rock for the rest of the team. people can talk to you, feel at ease around you. that’s what makes a good captain.”

“are big speeches a part of being captain too?” tadashi couldn’t help but crack a joke to lighten the mood. he was close with ennoshita, but not so close that he felt comfortable with all his emotions out in the open, “because if so i better get practicing.”

“yes, they are,” ennoshita grinned and went along with the joke for just a moment before redirecting the conversation, “you know tsukishima-kun really cares about you, right?”

tadashi quickly averted his gaze at the mention of kei’s name, willing the redness in his cheeks to subside. hopefully ennoshita just assumed it was from working out.

“i know it’s not what you want,” ennoshita continued as tadashi began to grow somewhat scared at the accuracy of his words, “but a friendship like yours is something you don’t want to lose over something like himiko-san.”

“how did you know?” tadashi mumbled, shell shocked.

“that you’re jealous of tsukishima? you can see it in your face every time he mentions her.”

_ if only ennoshita knew how wrong he was. _

“y-yea, i guess so,” tadashi couldn’t help but feel relieved that he wasn’t found out. sugawara only knew because tadashi found out that his former vice was…  _ involved _ with the third year’s class president, and it felt safe to say. there was no such proof that ennoshita would be alright with tadashi being what he was. 

“i get it,” ennoshita’s voice softened from his last comment as he continued, “someone i like a lot is with somebody else too.”

“oh?”

“we don’t really need to talk about it,” ennoshita simply shook his head, but that comment was all tadashi needed to put the pieces together. he knew there was always  _ something  _ to the way ennoshita looked at tanaka. something that almost felt like how tadashi was sure he looked at kei.

“is it tanaka-san?” tadashi suggested warily, not wanting to overstep his boundaries. however, finding someone he could relate to was rare. almost extremely so. he missed having sugawara to talk to about such things, although he could text it just… felt different. 

ennoshita simply averted his gaze, and that was the answer tadashi needed.

“i don’t like himiko-san,” tadashi blurted out before he could reconsider, “its tsukki.”

and there it was — that moment of connection. an understanding that the two standing there in the gym had that one crucial thing in common setting them apart from the rest of their teammates.

“so you’re…?” ennoshita trailed off at the end of his question, and tadashi didn’t hesitate to finish for him.

“bisexual, you?”

“i haven’t really put a label on it yet i guess,” ennoshita shrugged, “i think the only person i’ve really every liked is ryuu so… i don’t really know.”

“hey, that’s cool,” tadashi shrugged and it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of his chest. nobody had ever known about his feelings for kei — not even sugawara. but now somebody knew — and not even that he could relate, “is that why you asked me to stay behind?”

“not exactly,” ennoshita shrugged, walking over to the bin of volleyballs that tadashi stood by and pulling one out to roll around in his hands, “i could tell you were down for some reason, and what kind of captain would i be if i didn’t show up for my teammates when they’re down?”

“i suppose so,” tadashi chuckled, and for at least a few moments in that gym, everything felt kind of okay.

* * *

with ennoshita things might have felt kind of okay, but everywhere else tadashi’s life was a swirling mess of out of control emotions and stress piling up. it felt like tadashi was about to break at any moment. practice kicked up a few notches due to the approaching spring tournament, school was in full swing and it felt like every time tadashi completed a project another three were added to his plate. 

and then there was kei. so carefree and happy with his girlfriend. 

as much as he didn’t want to, tadashi grew to resent himiko-san. she was nice really, and seemed like someone tadashi could be friends with. however, any time she tried to talk to tadashi he was filled with unbridled rage. 

of course he couldn’t get pissed at her though, she did nothing wrong, so he shoved it deep inside his chest to never come out again. that seemed to be a common theme lately.

he didn’t understand how kei wasn’t close to breaking. they were under almost the same amount of stress, minus the whole… being basically in love with his best friend thing. that was exclusive to tadashi.

“ok, fess up,” kei stated bluntly one day as tadashi scribbled away at a language arts essay, catching him so off guard the led on his pencil snapped, “you’ve been on edge for days now. what is it?”

words couldn’t express how badly tadashi wanted to tell kei. get all of this off his chest. but he couldn’t. 

“nothing,” was all he could muster, going back to his essay. it was due the next day.

“you’re behind on your schoolwork, you’re never behind,” kei pointed out promptly, and he wasn’t wrong. tadashi was always painfully organized, the type to keep a planner and write every tiny little thing that could ever be relevant later.

“i’m not behind,” tadashi deadpanned, which also wasn’t wrong. he was just  _ almost  _ behind, barely scraping by.

“for your standards you are.”

“and maybe i am,” tadashi couldn’t help but be somewhat cross. it wasn’t really on purpose, he supposed it was just the bitterness he kept shoving down leaking through the cracks, “am i not allowed to be behind sometimes?”

“you are, but i’m also allowed to be concerned,” kei grumbled, clearly growing annoyed with tadashi’s stubborn attitude, “especially when you’re pulling this shit.”

“what shit?”

“ _ this!” _

kei gestured towards tadashi with his hands, needlessly aggressive, “you’re so  _ pissy.” _

“cause i’m not allowed to have feelings?”

“no, god, but you’ve been insufferable.”

“ _ i’ve _ been insufferable?

“yes, you’ve been insufferable,” kei repeated, refusing to stand down, “you’re keeping shit from me and getting all bitchy about everything!”

“yea, well believe it or not i don’t tell you everything.”

tadashi wasn’t often stubborn, but when he was? things usually went really bad. 

“and why the hell not?” kei argued, hurt seeping into his voice, “tadashi, we don’t keep secrets from each other.”

kei dropped the first name. that was always the first sign that things were getting really serious. however, it was usually in a comforting context, they never used each other’s first names like this. 

“yea, well, i guess things change,” tadashi crammed his notebook into his backpack and pulled out a crumpled purple garment, “here’s your stupid jacket by the way.”

that was when he stormed out of kei’s room. he wanted to slam the door behind him, but tadashi was raised to respect the property of others. 

same went for the front door. instead he waved a quick goodbye to kei’s older brother and set off down the sidewalk back home.

by the time he entered the doorway tadashi hadn’t cooled down. in fact, the opposite. 

unlike kei’s, tadashi didn’t have to hold himself to the same standards of respecting his own house. so the front door slammed behind him as he wrestled his sneakers off his feet. as he grew angrier the knots only seemed to be more stubborn, and once the shoes came off they went  _ flying  _ off.

“hey, tadashi, calm yourself a bit.”

his father’s face appeared in the entryway as he was picking his bag back up from the ground and preparing to storm up to his room.

“tadashi, what’s wrong?”

he didn’t even notice the tears dripping down his face until his dad pointed it out.

“i don’t wanna talk about it,” he grumbled, attempting to push past his father. but that didn’t really work, tadashi was exhausted and really didn’t have much energy left in his muscles to fight against his dad’s grasp on his shoulders.

“talk to me,” his dad stated firmly, loosening his grip on tadashi’s shoulder as he became confident that tadashi wasn’t going to try running.

“tsukki and i are fighting,” tadashi mumbled as he wiped the tears with his sleeve, not wanting to admit it to himself. he couldn’t remember if he had ever fought like this with kei.

tadashi didn’t even have a moment to prepare himself before his dad was pulling him into a tight embrace, “oh, kid. it’ll be okay.”

“yea,” was all he could muster, “i hope so.”

and for what felt like an eternity tadashi stood there in the doorway with his dad, face buried in his shirt, breathing in the comforting smell of his cologne.

“dad?” it was only in that moment that tadashi decided he was going to tell his father. it was risky, sure, but right now it just… felt right. he couldn’t explain it but tadashi’s gut said now was the time.

“what is it?”

“can i tell you something important?” tadashi stepped back to look up at his dad.

“of course, what is it?’

“y-you should sit down,” tadashi couldn’t help the shaking in his voice as he escorted his dad to the living room, and sat down with him on the couch.

“wow, serious,” his father joked, and tadashi made his best attempt at forcing a laugh.

“yea, i guess so. dad, i’m—” he took one last moment to steel himself, one last moment to enjoy his secret, “i’m bisexual. i don’t know if you know what that means, but it means that i like girls and guys and—”

“tadashi, i don’t live under a rock,” his dad laughed, and tadashi did as well, more genuine this time, “i’m happy you told me.”

with those words, tadashi felt a weight physically lift off of his chest. suddenly his ribs felt less restricting and his entire body just opened up. breathing came easier now.

“oh, thank god,” tadashi wheezed, tears threatening to spill over once more. however, they were from joy this time. he really couldn’t have hoped for this to go any better. in all honesty he expected coming out to his dad to end with him out on the sidewalk.

“is that why you and tsukishima are fighting?” his dad offered up his hypothesis tentatively, almost tiptoeing around the subject.

“no,” tadashi simply shook his head, “he doesn’t know yet.”

“what’s wrong then?”

tadashi knew his dad didn’t mean anything by it, and was just concerned, but it was growing very close to feeling like he was being nosey.

“i guess i’ve just kind of been a stubborn dick lately.”

“hey, language.”

“sorry.”

“have you told anybody besides me about the whole…” his dad trailed off for a moment, almost like he was trying to find the right words, “bisexual thing? is that something i’m allowed to say or is that rude?”

“that’s fine,” tadashi laughed, touched by the effort put forth, “the only people that know besides you are ennoshita-san and sugawara-san.”

“those are your captains, right?”

“yea, they’re both…” tadashi nodded and trailed off, unsure if he should out the two like that. after a few moments he decided that it should be fine — sugawara was mostly out of the closet from what he heard, and he could make sure his dad knew that ennoshita wanted it kept under wraps. so far he was proving to be really understanding about this stuff, “they like guys too. but ennoshita’s still in the closet — so i know you don’t see him much or anything but, that needs to stay between us.”

“i’m happy you have people around that you can relate to,” his dad smiled gently, genuinely, “but i hope that if you need to talk about anything you feel like you can come to me too.”

“i know,” tadashi nodded, “i will.”

“good, now i don’t need to do sex ed round two do i?”

“no, god please no,” tadashi wheezed, trying to banish the memories of  _ the talk _ a few years back, “i’m all set thank you very much.”

“ok great, because i didn’t wanna do that either,” tadashi’s dad sighed a relieved sigh as he leaned back against the couch, “good talk, but you’ve gotta go finish your homework and get some rest okay?”

“okay,” tadashi stood up from the couch, grabbing his bag from where he set it on the floor by the coffee table, “night dad.”

“goodnight tadashi.”

* * *

so caught up in the events of the previous night with coming out to his dad — tadashi completely forgot to reconcile things with kei. 

it wasn’t until he showed up at kei’s only to be told he left already, without waiting for tadashi, that he remembered how badly things ended the previous night. 

with a quick thanks to akiteru tossed over his shoulder tadashi set off down the road at a run to find kei before class.

the freak duo often practiced before school even when they didn’t officially have practice so tadashi checked the gym first, in hopes that maybe kei was with them. hinata reported that kei had been there but just left a few minutes ago. 

tadashi felt like he was chasing kei around the entire town. the locker room was also empty, and tadashi half wondered if it was even worth it to keep looking for him. 

eventually he decided it wasn’t, and began making his way down the sidewalk to the school’s building. 

said sidewalk passed through one of the school’s many courtyard, little slices of nature sprinkled in the otherwise industrialized campus. and in that courtyard were friends hanging out, people rapidly scribbling in attempts to finish homework at the last second, and kei. with himiko.

tadashi knew he should just carry on, wait for kei in class, but he found himself stopping in his tracks on the sidewalk and staring. in kei’s hands was the jacket he returned the previous night, practically throwing it at kei. 

and he was giving it to himiko.

he hated that stupid jacket but seeing it in himiko’s hands almost made tadashi’s blood  _ boil. _

she didn’t even hesitate to put it on, wrapping the scratchy material around herself with a grin that could melt even the coldest of hearts. which was apparently kei’s, because tadashi didn’t think he’d ever seen kei smile so genuinely.

“hey, don’t stand in the middle of the sidewalk, jackass,” tadashi was interrupted by somebody ramming their shoulder into him, and he realized very quickly that he was blocking traffic into the school. 

he mumbled a quick sorry, and continued down the sidewalk. he felt weird for staring anyways. he'd wait for kei.

“hey, yamaguchi-kun!”

so much for waiting for kei in class, because now himiko was walking alongside tadashi with kei in tow, blissfully unaware of the tension between her boyfriend and tadashi.

“how’s it going?”

“alright i guess,” tadashi shrugged, not sure he could muster the energy for anything more than that response.

“that’s good!” himiko grinned, all bright-eyed and bushy tailed, “look at this jacket, isn’t it cute? tsukishima gave it to me!”

tadashi didn’t really know what to say. he knew she wasn’t being malicious at all — obviously she didn’t know. but it still hurt like hell, and that weight that lifted off tadashi’s chest the previous night after coming out to his dad fell right back into place at her comment, “yea, it’s nice.”

“ko-chan?” kei interrupted her delighted chattering, his expression falling into rest at a soft smile. his face never looked like that when he was with tadashi, “can you go on ahead to class? i’ve gotta talk to yamaguchi.”

“yea, okay,” she agreed readily, and before tadashi had a chance to steel himself and lock in his emotions she pulled kei’s face down to give him a kiss. one that felt  _ way  _ too drawn out, “see ya in a few!”

she walked away like nothing had just happened, a certain spring in her step.

“that was new,” kei seemed shocked by this, his hand reaching up to gently press his fingers to his lips.

“had you guys not kissed yet?” tadashi questioned, a bit puzzled if he were being honest. it had been a few weeks since the two started dating, he would have thought that occurred sooner than it did.

kei simply shook his head, and then all conversation of what just happened was thrown out the window, “what happened last night?”

“i don’t wanna talk about it—” tadashi found himself employing his usual excuse without much thought, which really didn’t help his situation.

“what is so terrible that you can’t talk to me about it?” kei crossed his arms over his chest, almost withdrawing into himself, “i get it if you don’t want to but — you’ve never been this secretive.”

kei was right. tadashi didn’t often keep secrets from him. it was only as the problem of  _ kei _ being the source of his issues arose that he started keeping things to himself. maybe he  _ could _ tell kei. while he was still riding the high of the success with his father. but where they were, it was too crowded.

“later, okay?”

“jesus, tadashi, is it that bad?”

kei dropped his first name again.

“no, it’s not i promise,” tadashi assured him, gesturing somewhat wildly with his hands, “it’s just… private. i don’t want other people hearing.”

kei simply nodded.

“after practice, okay?” tadashi continued, “we’ll talk at my place.”

“okay, sounds good,” kei nodded again, “i’m sorry i’m forcing you to talk — because you really don’t have to. i’m just worried y’know? you just get all weird all of a sudden and i—

“kei, you’re alright,” tadashi said with a reassuring smile, not even really realizing that he called kei by his first name, “let’s get to class, okay?”

“yea, alright.”

* * *

“so,” kei sank into the bean bag chair in tadashi’s room with a heavy sigh, “what’s been going on with you lately?”

as tadashi sat down on his bed, suddenly all of the bravado he had earlier about telling kei dissipated, and he was unsure once more.

“i don’t really—”

“you don’t wanna talk about it?” kei snapped, interrupting tadashi, “what the hell is it, do you like ko-chan or something? are you jealous? i see you get all… tense or whatever whenever she’s around.”

“i was  _ going _ to say that i don’t really know,” tadashi grumbled, and went to continue only to be interrupted by kei once more.

“so you know enough to know that you don’t wanna talk about it in front of people, but you don’t really know?”

“no, i— will you stop interrupting me?”

“just tell me the fucking truth tadashi, stop dodging my questions!”

“i don’t  _ like  _ ko-chan, i’m  _ jealous  _ of her you dumb fuck,” tadashi spat out without much thought, his words hanging in the suffocating silence that followed.

for what felt like an eternity neither of them spoke. the tension of words unsaid between them so thick it almost felt like tadashi could reach out and grab it.

“how did you know that you don’t like girls?” 

kei’s voice was soft, breaking in the middle of his sentence, words heavy with a fear tadashi knew all too well.

“well,” tadashi couldn’t help but chuckle a little bit, “i’m bisexual, so i still do like girls.”

“oh,” kei’s response sounded defeated, and for a moment tadashi was so caught up in honestly just wanting to help kei that he didn’t even realize that  _ maybe kei wasn’t straight _ .

“kei do you…” tadashi trailed off for just a moment, “do you think you might be gay?”

“i don’t know,” kei buried his face in his hands as he spoke, pushing his glasses up onto his forehead, “i don’t know i just thought himiko-san would fix me, or something but it didn’t and i still don’t feel right—”

while kei rambled, tadashi found himself standing up from his bed and walking over to sit down in front of him.

“i thought i was supposed to feel something when she kissed me, i thought that was going to make it all okay but  _ god tadashi, i didn’t feel anything.” _

“that’s okay,” tadashi reached out a hand to rest on kei’s forearm, enough of a touch to say that  _ i’m here _ but not so much that kei would get overwhelmed. while kei learned how to deal with tadashi while he was a mess, tadashi had also done the same, “you’re not broken, so there was nothing for himiko-san to fix, got it?”

“i don’t know,” kei mumbled, wiping away the tears that pooled in his eyes.

“no, kei,” tadashi refused to take ‘i don’t know’ as an answer when it came to this, “you’re not broken, even if you like guys or don't like anybody.”

“i guess,” kei still refused to look tadashi in the eye, but he let his other hand fall to rest on tadashi’s.

“i know it’s hard,” tadashi spoke once more after a few moments, “but you have to talk to himiko-san about this. it’s not fair to her.”

“i don’t even know what i am, how am i supposed to tell her?” a hint of anger seeped back into kei’s voice, and tadashi quickly realized the mistake in his phrasing.

“no, no, that’s not what i meant at all,” tadashi found his other hand traveling to kei’s knee, giving it a firm squeeze, “i just meant you need to end it. let her down easy before it’s too late. you don’t have to tell her why.”

“oh, yea.”

“not right this second, if you’re not feeling up to it, but you should soon.”

“yea, i know.”

“i’m here for you kei, alright? we’re gonna figure this out.”

“alright,” kei simply nodded, and like it was the most natural thing in the world he was wrapping his arms around tadashi’s shoulders and melting into his grasp.

that night, as he was falling asleep on the couch with kei on the floor next to him (the only way tadashi’s father would allow sleepovers now that he was out of the closet) he heard a soft mumbling from below him.

“my name is tsukishima kei, and i like guys. i’m… i’m gay.”

tadashi figured it best not to acknowledge it, it seemed as if kei thought he was asleep, but hearing him figure this out made him happy. and the thought that maybe there was hope for him after all? that just made it even better.

* * *

“god, _ i can’t do this _ .”

kei sat in yamaguchi’s living room the next morning, his phone sitting on the rug next to him, phone number dialed but the call button yet to be pressed.

“it’s okay,” tadashi sat on the couch behind kei, hands gently massaging kei’s shoulders. he wasn’t really sure when or how that had happened, but kei didn’t object and tadashi didn’t really mind it so. he didn’t worry too much, “himiko’s strong, she’ll be alright. it’s only been a few weeks anyways.”

“i feel like such a terrible person,” kei lamented, burying his face in his hands, “i totally just went and used her.”

“you made a mistake,” tadashi’s father reassured as he entered the living room with a cup of coffee, “we all do it.”

“yea,” tadashi nodded in agreement with his dad, “just call her, get it over with.”

“what if she hates me?”

“she won’t,” tadashi and his father spoke almost in unison, and finally kei gave a resigned sigh and picked up his phone.

“i’m gonna go up to your room to call her,” kei stood up quickly, dislodging tadashi’s hands, “is that fine?”

“as long as you actually do it and aren’t just avoiding,” tadashi gave kei a pointed look, making direct eye contact.

“i will,” kei’s voice was determined now — he finally got the idea into his head. that was the thing with kei, it took some time for him to get accustomed to something but once he did, there was no taking him off track, “promise.”

“alright,” tadashi nodded, and then kei was disappearing up the stairs, phone in hand.

“you like him don’t you,” tadashi’s dad suggested as soon as kei was (presumably) out of earshot.

“am i  _ that  _ obvious?” tadashi sighed, turning back to his dad.

“yes, you are.”

“ugh,” he groaned, leaning his head back against the back of the couch and reaching his hands up to press his palms into his eyes, “i’m just trying to be there for him and help him figure it out but all i can think about is  _ when are we going to talk about us? when are we going to talk about the fact that i like you so much it fucking hurts? _ ”

“language,” his father berated briefly, tadashi mumbling a quick sorry, before launching into his next spiel, “and you’re allowed to feel that you know. you’re seventeen, your brain is three things. school, sports, and romance. that’s okay. because you  _ know  _ that now isn’t the time and you’re putting that aside to help your friend.”

“yea, i guess that makes sense.”

“you guys will talk when he’s ready, it just takes time to come to terms with this stuff, i’m sure you get it.”

“yea,” tadashi simply nodded, “that’s what really sucks i guess. ‘cause i know it might take forever, and i don’t know if i can wait that long.”

“you’re stronger than you think tadashi.”

“yea.”

from there, tadashi and his dad fell into a somewhat comfortable silence. just waiting for kei to return to the living room. 

when the stairs creaked, tadashi instantly tore his gaze away from the ceiling, sitting up and towards the stairs. as kei’s face emerged he seemed subdued, but ultimately more relaxed than before.

“how did it go?” as soon as he was closer tadashi couldn’t help but ask.

“really well, actually,” kei sat down on the couch next to tadashi, tucking his legs underneath himself, “she took it really well. and i uh… i told her.”

“oh, shit,” tadashi mumbled, “are you sure that was a good idea? i mean— this is a new development and all.”

“no, i think it was the right thing,” kei simply shook his head, “i guess… i’ve known for a long time  _ god this sounds so cliche _ but i’ve known for a long time. just… only came to terms with it just now.”

tadashi and his father exchanged a knowing glance, and his dad stood up from the armchair he sat in and made his way to the kitchen, “i’m gonna start lunch, sandwiches will be ready in ten.”

tadashi and kei simply looked to him and nodded before turning back to face each other on the couch. tadashi even went so far as to turn his entire body so he was sitting cross legged and facing kei, “i’m really proud of you kei.”

“it feels so goddamn good,” kei’s previously solemn face broke out into a huge grin, “it’s gonna be really hard still for a while i think — but you helped so much tadashi. thank you so much.”

“yea, of course,” tadashi nodded, unable to help the smile that tugged at his face, “and to think if i wasn’t such an angry bitch none of this would’ve happened.”

“you really do have to get that in check,” kei laughed, “even if it was helpful this time.”

“yea,” tadashi forced a chuckle, feeling a little guilty about his outbursts in the days before. it really was something he had to work on, finding a healthier outlet for his anger. but for now — things were really good, “if you don’t wanna talk about it now that’s okay but — what i said last night. about being jealous of her—”

“you like me, right?” kei guessed, and tadashi figured he really had to get better at hiding his emotions when he tried. even if he did basically tell kei, so many other people had just. guessed.

“yea, i do,” tadashi simply nodded, “and i know you’re just starting to figure all this out, so obviously no pressure for you to respond, but—”

“does that mean it’s alright for me to kiss you?”

that caught tadashi  _ beyond  _ off guard. days ago he was under the impression that kei was heterosexual and taken, and  _ now? _

“don’t you think that’s taking it a little bit too fast?”

“i think it’s taking it at just the right speed, if you’re okay with it,” again with kei and his one track mind. 

“as long as you’re sure,” tadashi smiled, because really he was  _ excited. _ for so long he dreamed of this — literally, he’d wake up and the only thought on his mind would be the night he spent dreaming of his lips on kei’s. and as fast as it was all happening — this felt right.

and then kei was kissing tadashi  _ for real _ and it felt so much more perfect than all of the dreams, it felt like coming home. like this was exactly where tadashi was meant to be in this very moment. 

the kiss itself was chaste, the smallest amount of pressure between their lips but it was charged with emotions on both ends — years of pining and self destruction — and the release that was this kiss. because everything was coming together, and it was all gonna be alright. at least if tadashi had any say in it.

“so that’s what that’s supposed to feel like,” kei mumbled as soon as his mouth left tadashi’s, and tadashi couldn’t help but let out a breathy laugh.

“yea, that’s what it’s supposed to feel like.”

“so food’s ready, and tsukishima is extra-banished to the couch for sleepovers now.”

“dad!” tadashi shoved himself away from kei (who did the same without much hesitation) as he felt his face jump in temperature by about ten degrees and redden by too many shades to be subtle, “how long have you been there?”

“long enough,” his dad laughed, “but i’m happy you worked things out.”

“announce yourself when you walk into a room!” tadashi argued, only growing more flustered as the minutes passed.

“come eat, and the door stays open when you two are upstairs,” tadashi’s dad waved the two into the kitchen, and tadashi begrudgingly followed. his dad made a damn good panini, and he would be damned if he were missing out.

“so we’re hanging at my place?” kei whispered to tadashi as they walked into the kitchen, bumping shoulders.

“oh, for sure. he’s gonna be so annoying,” tadashi agreed enthusiastically, only to quickly find that he was overheard.

“don’t think i didn’t hear that! just because i won’t out you tsukishima doesn’t mean i wont keep tadashi home!’’

“dad, you suck!”

**Author's Note:**

> i'm gonna be completely honest this thing is kind of a mess because i started it on impulse and didn't know where i was going with the ending until the actual end but,, thank u if you stuck around through this incoherent mess


End file.
